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Current Music:What About Now: DAUGHTRY
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Subject:In Between a New Chapter
Time:10:29 pm
Current Mood:anxiousanxious
Well life is okay. I work at Chipotle now so that it is less stress. I don't really have any responsibilities that are manager like so I am happy. I love most of the people I work with because they make me laugh even when I am pissed off.

I. Want. To. Go. Back. To. School. This is how bored I am. I want people. I want new people. I want to date for crying out loud! I feel that I am stuck in between an old chapter and a new one. I want the new one to start already. My best friend is pregnant and moving out with her boyfriend. My other close friend is moving to Michigan to attend a graduate school there. I feel like I'm being left behind at Sinclair. I want to move on with my life.

Both of my friends have boyfriends and that just sucks for me. I can't join them in the group dating thing because I don't have anyone to bring along. I ponder sometimes if it is because I'm ugly that guys don't want to date me or if I'm just too shy that I don't let them get to know me. I am kind of picky with what I want in a guy. He has to be smart, funny, tall...like 6'+, like me for who I am, be family/friend approved, and I want him to mean something to me. I can't ever find that perfect guy. I've tried online and good god that hasn't work. The guys at work think of me as more of a friend than dating material. Even though there is really only one eligible tall guy at my work and I'm not sure if he isn't gay or not. Plus he is younger than me...I don't like younger guys so much. *Sighs* I know I'm more than likely too picky, but I can't help it that much. I just wonder if I should just give up on guys or what. I know I'm only 20 years old and that I have many years to go before I am past my prime, but it is weird with both of my best friends being in such stable relationships and me just going from blind date to blind date. I'm sorry, but my friends and co-workers try to set me up with weird guys that are their friends and we don't have anything in common with each other. It also doesn't help that I am very nervous around guys. I say stupid stuff, sputter, and I'm just a mess when going on a date with a guy. I don't think you should have to feel like you are going to throw up when you go out with them now should you? I was going to date a guy in the navy...yeah I'm not attracted to him in that way. I'm sorry, but there should be chemistry or some kind of spark...but there isn't any. Plus he's going to be away for a while and I want a real relationship. The kind where we hang out at each others houses, watch movies, play together, and other things that normal relationships entail. I've never really had a normal relationship besides Nathan and that lasted for about 2 or 3 months maybe if I'm lucky. Meh I'm beginning to miss him and wonder if I just didn't try hard enough. I don't know, he had a lot of debt, didn't have a job, and wasn't looking for one either. I think he was just going to be a bum for the rest of his life. That wouldn't have worked out for either of us. I don't want to have to support the guy for the rest of my life. I want us to be both working. Maybe I might take time off to take care of the kids when they are younger, but I don't want to be a stay at home wife. I would go crazy. Oh well.

I'm taking 5 different classes this quarter so maybe I'll meet some new people this quarter. Doubt it, but we shall see. :)

Well that was my rant. I haven't posted in a while so I figured I should give it a try. I may post here more often just to make sure that my typing skills are up to par with what they should be. Meh type later. :-D
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Current Music:Evanescence: All That I'm Living For
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Subject:New Update! Yippee!
Time:01:52 am
Current Mood:annoyedannoyed
Okay I've went from pot smoking guy, to stalker guy. Yeah I went out on one date with a guy one of my co-workers knows and I decided something wasn't right. I didn't feel comfortable with the whole situations. Like he is a really nice guy, but afterwards I get this unsettling thought and it happens to travel down to my stomach. I feel sick and don't know what is wrong. So I decided to tell Kristina that I'm just not interested in him. We didn't have the much in common. He works part time at Cracker Barrel as a busboy. He lives with his parents still and doesn't even go to college. He's in his mid-twentites. I'm sorry, but I'm working full time, school full time, and I have an active social life. This guy doesn't have any friends and he likes oldies music. He still lets his mother decide on his haircuts. He just isn't right for me. Well I had Kristina tell him it wasn't right for me because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. She just tells him that I don't really have time for a boyfriend right now because of school and work. This is partially true, but I can make time. Well he asks if it would be okay if he calls me and she just shrugs her shoulders and say okay. Well she also tells me this and tells me to ignore my phone. The guy calls 5 times in 4 days straight. I'm sorry, but call once and wait a day or 2 until I call back. Don't call every single day. And don't call me at fucking 11:30 at night 2 times in a row. I sleep every once in a while for crying out loud! Pfft well I just ignored it and he stopped calling for a week. Then he starts calling me again! He called me every other day and then he called me noon 2 days ago and then 12 am that night. I am SLEEPING! I'm sorry, but you mess with my beauty sleep and you just need to go to hell. So I had Kristina call him and tell him to stop calling me because he creeps me out.

Everytime I got his call, I would feel creeped out. Nathan never called me that much even when we were dating and for someone that I had only went on one day with to call me so much and be so persistant, that kind of weirds me out. Now he is calling Kristina all of the time probably wondering what went wrong. He isn't leaving messages or anything, but he still calls at like 11 at night. If he calls me again I will tell him to just leave me alone or I'll just change my number.

WHY DO I FIND ALL OF THE WEIRD PEOPLE OR SLIGHTLY DERANGED PEOPLE??? I mean really am I that awful to be around? Am I that fat and ugly that I only attrach the nasty, pot smoking, weirdos from Krogerland or there abouts? ::Sighs inwardly multiple times:: I've decided that if a guy wants to date me or is even interested in me then he makes the first move. I'm tired of having others tell someone I like them or fix me up with someone and then it just goes wrong. Meh there's got to be a guy out there that I am attracted to and is attacted to me back isn't there? If not then I guess I'll just try to find my happy ending somewhere else. ::Shrugs:: There'll be someone hopefully...

Work has gotten even worse. I'm still looking for a new job. Anything as long as it is fulltime. They've cut hours, shortened some of my shifts, and just pretty much use me like I am a slave instead of a paid employee. I've even offered to stay later so that I can make up for the lack of help. Even the perimeter people have become scarce. I hope hours pick up by the holidays or I will be screaming.
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Time:11:38 pm
Current Mood:exhaustedexhausted
Okay question. College has just started up for me. I'm going full time (12 credit hours) plus I'm still working about 40 + hours a week. I'm extremely exhausted to go to the gym. Is there anything I can do to still lose weight and at least tone a little? I don't really want to stop going to the gym at all, but I can't drum up the energy to go at least 3 times a week. Plus are there any good foods that will give me good energy? I am also starting to take a once a day pill for active people. Hopefully this will help my energy level. Could I be tired because I haven't had to work this hard since about last school year. Any suggestions would be very helpful. ^.^ Thanks!
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Current Music:Breathe (2AM) - Anna Nalick
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Subject:Finally!
Time:01:36 pm
Current Mood:contentcontent
It's been a long time since I've posted. I've been working a lot on my weight and measurements. Well here are the results so far...

Upper Arm: 12 in.
Bust: 42 in.
Waist: 36 in.
Abs: 41 in.
Hips: 42 1/2 in.
Thigh: 25 in.
Weight: 209 3/4 lbs.

So I've lost about 1 3/4 inches about 2 weeks ago. It's better than nothing. My measurements aren't bad, but I wish my abs and waist would finally go down. I feel down right now possibly because it is that time of the month right now.

Work sucks right now. I'm getting back up pay but there are only about 5 people in the office. Yeah this is for a store that has more than 2500 people coming in every single day. This really sucks because I'm working 6 days a week. This week I'm working 12 days straight. But then I'm having a going back to school party/birthday party for a friend's boyfriend at one of my friends house. I'm getting that Saturday off.

I am completely terrified. My friend's are setting me up with a guy. I guess he's 6' 2, cute, and likes cars and football. I've seen a picture of him and he is cute. But I am an introvert and new people scare me. I don't know how to talk to a guy. They scare me. Hopefully it'll go okay. But it is a party and I know most of the people there. It's just that I blush very easily. *Sighs* I suppose I'll get over it.

Life is okay and I'll eventually find a life I like...
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Current Music:Saving Jane: Girl Next Door
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Subject:*Sigh*
Time:12:13 am
Current Mood:confusedconfused
It seems I only post about once a month which seems to be my only time now.

School is going alright. I am actually learning something this quarter and doing ALL of my homework on time and kind of studying for midterms. I do believe I am doing better though.

Work sucks majorly. Stephanie is leaving me in about a month. I'll be all alone in the coming month and I can't take the shit at work anymore! I am completely stressed out at every turn. I can't seem to do my job correctly. I'm thrown from the office to the register, to various other jobs throughout Krogerland. These people are driving me mentally insane! The cashiers are pissy and don't want to do their jobs. No one cares if I am around or not. They just care about their money and doing their work. No one is nice to anyone. I'm pretty sure if it came down to pushing me infront of a train to get a pickup done...I would be dead. I'm putting in my resume at any bank that will take me. I canNOT work in retail anymore. The people are crazy. Management doesn't know what the hell they are doing. I want to pull out my hair. I feel like no one knows how to do their job yet they expect me to do mine. I'm getting paid cashier salary to do the job of a assistant customer service manager. No one has any respect for me whatsoever. I hate my job and I need a new one. Especially before Stephanie leaves.

I've been really depressed lately. I drank for the first time 2 nights ago. I only had a margarita with a lot of tequila and gin/pepsi combination. Very little gin anyway. The next day I was really mad at everything. People pissed me off, co-workers, sarah even made the comment of how I should have been on the floor since I only worked til 10. Well excuse me. I was incharge that night. Why am I going to be on the floor when I had been on the floor for the last 2 days straight. When Stephanie leaves I'll be the one on the floor all the time. I do feel kind of bad because Stephanie has had to be on the floor for so long but I CANNOT STAND THE FLOOR. Everytime I am on the floor, I can't do anything right according to management.

I've been trying to deal with the weight/lack of boyfriend issue. It has been 4 months since I have had a boyfriend. He was my first and probably the most damaging. I don't hate him. At all really. I just wish he would have told me what was going on. That he was worried about his job and confided in me at least a little. I would have listened and helped him in anyway I could. He didn't have to turn to weed to solve his problems. I didn't even know the guy had friends for crying out loud. I let something dup me and I didn't even see it coming. I don't care that he isn't my boyfriend anymore. I just care that someone would show me that I am worth more than a breath of pot. Maybe I need to find that self-worth in myself, but it wouldn't hurt to find out that someone actually liked me that I actually liked back. Why is life so complicated?
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Time:01:12 am
Current Mood:irritatedirritated
Okay I am seriously irritated with myself. I know this isn't my first rant...but I am still at 205. One of my co-workers says I look like I had lost some weight. I haven't been going to the gym, but I have been watching what I eat. I'm cutting back on my running around with friends and just staying home to relax. I've been extremely tired for the last 4 months and I've been working on my eating habits. I still can't kick my wanting chocolate. What am I supposed to do? I have a rather large frame for a girl, but I am also 6' tall. Is there a website that could help me out for free? I am going to start yogalates this Tuesday and Thursday. I am also going to do a lot of weights with my stomach area because that area just bothers me way too much. I suppose I'm frustrated because I'm not getting anywhere. I don't want to have to worry about my health when I get older because I chose not to be healthy today. Any advice would be helpful from anyone. I would love to come back next week and say I have lost just 1 pound. I'm pretty sure I would be the happiest person in the entire world.

So here are my stats so far...

CW: 205
HW: 230
LW: 195
STGW: 180 (June 11th)
LTGW: 170 (depending on how I feel about my body...might be more or less)
So far lost: 30 lbs...but was from about a year ago.

Thanks in advance for everyone's help. :)
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Current Music:Nickelback: Savin' Me
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Subject:Nothing Really New
Time:01:40 am
Current Mood:tiredtired
Life is the same. It doesn't change for me I do believe. It just seems like it gets more and more annoying.

I'm still on my diet, but I'm just really tired. I think I'm either not eating enough to keep up with all of my physical activities or I am working out too much. Either way something has to give because I am either hungry or tired or both.

School is going okay. I really need to type at least something for my rough draft of my research paper. I am being such a procrastinator like normal. I need to do some more math homework as well. I also have to make up 2 tests that I skipped. I know I shouldn't, but school is driving me crazy.

Work is even worse. I am now in the floral shop. Well one of the girls in floral went on maternity leave. We aren't sure if she is going to come back. I guess it is expected of me to become the new person. I don't want to stay in the floral shop. I don't necessarily hate being in floral, but my idea of a job is not cutting, cleaning, and messing with flowers all day long. I want to go back to playing with money and customer complaints. I don't really like the cashiering part, but I noticed that everyone goes on the register so I don't really care anymore. I want a new job, but I like that after June I am able to have 2 vacations.

Yeah I might be going to North Carolina again this summer with my best friend Abby. We will probably stay the week with my aunt. I'll have my car to drive so it won't be so bad. We can go to gym and travel around with our little maps and stuff like that. It shall be fun. ^.^

I have an ACTIVE social life! I have went to parties for the last 2 weekends. I went to 2 last weekend and then 2 the week before. I don't drink, but it was interesting to watch people in their drunken states. We also went to a club last weekend and cosmic bowling as well. We are going to the movies this weekend and god knows what else. I think staying out til 4 am in the morning is creeping up on my sleeping time. That might be why I am so tired as well. *Shrug* I don't care I actually have a social life.

Oh my fucking word! What is it with guys?? Do they think that I am just part of the dirt? I feel like guys don't see me as attractive or dateable...is that even a word? Why do I attract all of the creepy ones? I've got creepy Jim who likes me and Mark who probably hasn't taken a shower in a very long time. Do I smell that badly that all I attrach are the guys who prefer bad body odor. It is so disgusting and it makes me depressed. It seems if you find a guy that isn't available to you, you only want him more. That seems to be true for me. There is the pharmacy guy and I'm going to guess that he isn't attracted to me at all. I still want him...badly. I don't know if it is just the challenge or if I truely like him. I hope I'm not one of those girls that gets tired of their guy and gets rid of him. I am picky. They have to be tall, smart, attractive, and I can talk to them without having to pull my hair out by the end of the conversation. I do want him to be romantic and to remember important dates and be able to surprise me. I also want my parents to approve of him and have a job that is going to provide him with money or at least be in college. I don't need someone to support me, I also don't need someone that I have to support. I just want a guy with ambition. I guess I am too picky and that I should just be me and forget about finding that guy. Maybe he will just find his way to me. I just have to be patient. Oh well I will live.

Well I should go and do something useful since I am possibly going to be pulling an all-nighter tonight. It is already 2:30 here so I might as well since I have to be up in about 5 and a half hours. Possibly should try and get my math homework done. That shall be my goal tonight. Well byez all and I shall talk to you all later. ^.^
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Current Music:Kelly Clarkson: Hear Me
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Subject:Time flies when you are having fun...
Time:03:15 pm
Current Mood:depresseddepressed
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!!


AKA Singles' Awareness Day...


Yeah well I have to work today in the floral shop and help all of the lovely boyfriends/husbands find late gifts for their loved ones. How much ya wanna bet I'm not going to get anything from anyone today? Yeah I'm a wee bit depressed at the moment. I suppose it happens. I can't seem to find the right person. I feel stupid. I know I'm obsessing a little bit about not having a guy. But I can't really help it. I see all of these people very happy with who they have. There are these little old men at work that come by and write out a little message like "I love you forever. xoxoxo" on their cards that they put in the 3 single roses that they bought. Isn't that sweet? I want to grow old with someone that would do that for me. I want to feel comfortable with the guy that I love. I just want to feel loved by someone other than a friend or family. Which even the majority of my family doesn't even love me. My aunt has pretty much just disowned the rest of her family for her own. She lives in North Carolina so I don't see her much. I did go down to N.C. last summer, and it was okay. She is mad because my mom didn't send her a christmas card, call her, or email her at christmas. Well my mom didn't have any stamps for a card, she wrote down her new number, but she lost it, and she didn't have an email for her. I suppose my aunt is just using this as a way out of her family she has in Ohio. I feel very upset about that since I don't have many family members that I speak to. I just want to cry right now, but if I do I have to talk to someone about it because my family is noisey. I just a want a real family that won't leave me because of something stupid. What am I worth less than a card or a phone call?? I just don't understand. Sure my aunt bugs me, but most of my family does. That is what family is! They are here to offer support, but you can't offer it without being nosey from time to time.

Well I need to go, cry, take a shower, and get ready for work. Possibly all together. I'll add more on later. Bye all. :'(
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Current Music:Trapt: Stand Up
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Subject:Lovelies...
Time:10:03 am
Current Mood:amusedamused
Okay well I finally got my check from Sinclair and I got my hair done. The cut is cute. It is layered, but still long which is the length I had before. Well I am now half blonde and half brunette. I wanted caramel highlights. Okay where does blonde come into caramel highlights? I suppose it looks okay. It is just odd because I don't think I pull off the blonde thing so well.

Eh I'm working in floral this week and next week. I am so excited. I love roses, balloons and making arrangements. I clean and do other things around the shop which aren't so bad. I got to unload my first truck by myself. Yeah it was entertaining. I kind of miss the front off, but because of scheduling I really love being in floral. We have scheduling according to ELMS. This takes our sales by how many hours everyone works. It figures out for you how many hours it should take to do one task according to how many sales you have (well how busy you are). Okay well some tasks take longer than others. There are also like miscellaneous stuff, cleanups, and other things that aren't accounted for. Customers coming into the store vary by day. Like I have told everyone multiple times, you can't give good customer service if you don't have the people. Christy is mad because they keep pulling me out of floral to use me on the register. I have to agree with her. I can't get things done, or even learn new things if they are constantly pulling me out of floral.

Well guys are just eh at the moment. Guy in photo quit because there weren't enough hours. Of course pharmacy guy may be gay. But we aren't sure. I don't know. I just don't care about guys. I like them and all, but I want to find someone that will be a friend first. That I can trust and depend on. I do want someone to love me completely and never forget about me and that I do the same for them. That is the kind of relationship I want. Not one where it is all about the sex or looks scene. I do want to be attracted to that person okay and vice versa, but I also want it to be so much more than that. I guess I'm going to keep being myself and see where it takes me.

Oh I lost 3 INCHES! I'm excited, my measurements are:

Upper Arm: 11 1/2
Bust: 43 1/2
Waist: 36 1/2
Abs: 40
Hips: 43 1/2
Thigh: 24 1/4
Weight: 210...it is 200, it fluctuates constantly and it bugs me.

Well my arm and hips stayed the same. My bust went up 1/2 inch, waist and abs down 1 1/2 a piece, and my thigh went down 1/2.

I'm not sure if this good for me. I need to stop eating out so much. That is the real problem. Everytime I go out with Abby it is we must eat out. That is probably why my bank account is so low as well. ^.^ Well I told her no more eating out. My goal is to only eat out once a month. Hopefully I will stick by that goal. I want to lose more and I am trying. I'm doing cardio and weights 3 times a week. I work out in the pool and yogalates once a week a piece. I'm doing 10 minutes on the stair stepper and then 30 minutes on the bike. I'm going to try to bump the stair stepper up to 15 minutes and see if that doesn't help me more. I guess I'm just not getting enough cardio. I want to lose weight and inches, not lose inches, but gain weight. Yeah they also said the extra weight could be muscle. I can believe it. My legs can bench 165 lbs. o.O

Well all in all things are okay. Money is tight, but I always manage. I need gas money, but I'll have to find it another way I suppose. I'll talk to you all later, byez. :)
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Current Music:Trapt: Stand Up
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Subject:Life goes on...
Time:12:48 am
Current Mood:amusedamused
Well it has been a while since I have posted. Many things have happened. I actually have a social life! I've been going out with Abby lately. We go to the movies, out to eat, work out, and hang out all the time. It is really nice to know that I have something to do besides school and work.

School is going okay... Programming sucks. It is one word problem after the next. I get so frustrated it isn't even funny. Hopefully I'll be able to figure it out once I look in my Visual Basic book. Math is okay except I have some more word problems to come along. All in all it could be worse.

Working out is going great. I am going to be measured Thursday or the first day I can go work out next week. I can't wait, but I am nervous. I am nervous that everything I have done will be all for nothing. I have been eating less. I've been eating the right foods, sleeping when I'm supposed to, trying to decrease my stress. I don't know what I'll do if the measurements aren't good. I know I have lost some inches since some of my clothes are smaller. I feel better about myself and I feel healthier. I have come to the conclusion that I will never be down to the size of a model. I have broad shoulders. Just think of a quarterback and then make it kind of girlish with curves. Well that would be me...oh and exclude all of the hair in places that a girl shouldn't have. o.O Yeah I am pretty in my own way, but I think I still have a bit of baby fat that needs to go especially on the face. I don't know these are all personal opinions that aren't shared by others that I talk to. Eh I have high expectations for myself and I want to be in a size that I don't have to worry about how fat my arms look or if my stomach is poking out. I promised myself I would be in bikini shape by summer. I am going to stick to that as well. I'll post my measurements as soon as I get them next week.

Moving on to the guy department. Well there is a cute guy in my programming class that sits across from me. I work in his group a few times. He is really smart and very nice. Attractive too and has a great smile and personality I think. I want to get to know a guy myself. I don't want someone to do it for me and then pass the guy onto me. o.O He isn't a premade dinner. This gay guy working in the office told me that he is either going to go out on a date with Pharmacy guy or I am. I just laughed at him and told him good luck. I'm worried that he is gay. Well I am more or less in mourning. I just think it is sad that such a cute guy is gay. I told the gay guy that I loved him. Lol. You just have to know him to. He cracks me up. Oh and there is a cute Photo person at work now. Eh he is okay. I like the red hair and goatee. Very cute. I guess I need to get more comfortable with myself before I can focus on being with another guy. I am also afraid of the next guy being like Nathan. That is my greatest fear. I don't think I want to go through that again. It wasn't the greatest thing to go through in the entire world. Eh life does go on.

Well everything is okay. Besides a few miffs at work it going alright. Heh one of the baggers passed on that me and Mr. Gibson and dating and supposedly having sex. Yeah either I wasn't conscious for it or it really wasn't that good because I don't remember. ^.^ It is funny Mr. Gibson decided to clue me in on it. I thought it was quite amusing. It was one of the baggers tha has a major crush on him at work. I guess I am competition for her. I don't quite understand, but okay.

Well I guess my life isn't so bad at the moment. It could be worse and i could have a lot more problems. Hopefully life will be get a little better. :) Well all I'll talk to you later. Byez for now. :-D
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[icon] The Lonely World of Holly
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